This is going to be a venting post.
So I just balled my eyes out... I hate it when I cry, but I know I need to let it out.
Nathan will be pushing out very soon, and maybe its because I watched the PBS documentary called "The Marines" and when they started talking about Urban warfare and everything, I just started getting more and more worried, and my heart was already feeling heavy. He was able to call me for a whole 25 minutes, and I know I should be so grateful and so happy he can even call me at all. So I recently found out that most likely the FOB he'll be at won't have wifi so even though it's been really nice being able to iMessage him for the last week, for the next 6 months, it didn't really matter if he had an iTouch or not. & I'm not going to lie, there was a part of me that was like, well it kind of sucks I spent $250 on something you can only use for a week. But I promised myself that I wouldn't complain, wouldn't start meaningless fights, or talk about anything negative when we get to talk on the phone because I only get a limited amount of time to talk to him, so I should make the most of it...right?
So that's exactly what I did. I made a few comments like, "Well I wish we could have known earlier that you weren't going to have wifi..." and I knew he was getting a little frustrated, and that's the last thing I want is for him not to be able to focus on what he has to do. So i said, "you know what babe, let's just stop talking about this." And we did. But the entire conversation after that was just kind of awkward silences and me trying not to say anything negative like when he told me his company might be the only one that doesn't get to come home earlier, and to that I said, "Well, that stinks, but that's okay." I'm trying really really hard to be supportive. But let me tell you, it's so fucking hard.
I had a huge head ache while I was talking to him, and I knew he knew something was wrong, because he kept asking me what's wrong and I just told him I'm feeling tired and maybe dehydrated, but really, I'm just so frustrated in myself and the situation. I'm frustrated in myself because I SHOULDN'T be upset about a stupid iTouch and everything else and I SHOULD be happy that he's safe, but I have to mask that frustration with fake happiness and positivity, and sometimes I wish I could just throw in the towel and be upset. I know that if he weren't on deployment, and we were just in my room, or on the phone, I could get away with complaining and being sad, and then getting over it a few hours later. But now, I just don't want to waste the precious time that we do have to communicate, over being sad or frustrated. But when I do that, I just get frustrated that I have to be this strong, supportive person. I feel like I have two opposing forces within me and I hate it. I made an effort not to cry while I was on the phone with him though, so I managed to do that.... but I wish this were easier.
It's just so hard not being "normal". Not being able to fight like a normal couple can. Not being able to get frustrated in each other. I KNOW he's feeling the exact same way, so I have no reason to complain. I know he has it tough, and I need to be strong for him. It's just that, sometimes, it's really, really, hard to be the bigger person. It's really hard to fake a smile. It's really hard to have to tell myself everything is going to be okay. It's really hard not to cry every second, of every day.
I know the healthiest thing to do is just to let it out, not in front of him, but on my own time. And as much as I am so happy I have such great friends, when I'm at my lowest and most vulnerable point, it's really hard to reach out to someone. I think it's just my personality, but when I'm vulnerable, I get really hesitant to reach out to people for comfort. I just don't want my unhappiness to ruin their day, or I don't want them to feel like they are obligated to make me feel better, it's just hard to find someone that wants to help, because in my mind, all I can think is, "but do they really want to?".
I didn't fall in love with the Corps, I fell in love with the man, and when you love someone you make sacrifices. & that's what I'll do. <3
Just having one of those nights, but I hope everyone else is having an amazing weekend.
Lots of love, and Semper Fi <3
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