I came across this "Top things not to say to the spouse of a deployed solider", and although Nathan is in the Marines and I'm not exactly a wife, I CANNOT agree more with a lot of these statements. Although it does not happen to me that often because I have such an amazing support group who are not as careless as some of these statements, I've definitely heard versions of these said. It's not an attack on anyone at all, but I definitely feel that women who are not going through a military deployment definitely need to be more sensitive to the things they say. By no means does that mean to baby us, we are strong, independent women! For the most part, I'm lucky I am not around people that say things like this. But the take home message is key: sincerity is really the best thing.
Often, people may attempt to empathize with the situation by
saying one of the following:
“I know how you feel.
My husband was away for nearly a week on business last month.”
Although, well intended, a short business
trip is NOTHING like experiencing the weight of a deployment, which can last
from six to fifteen months.
“I understand what you are going through, I watch the show
Army Wives.”
The show Army Wives is not a reality show; it is a TV drama
that is meant to mimic what writers believe to be true.
People may offer what they believe to be a compliment:
“I don’t know how you do it.”
“I couldn’t deal if my husband left that long.”
Hearing this is not a compliment. The wife does not have a choice to “deal,”
and, often times, they don’t know how they get through either; they just do it
because they honor and love their husband.
Some try to offer support and look on the bright side of
things concerning the deployment.
“Well you only have 9 months left. The rest is easy now.”
Having a portion of the deployment completed does not make
the rest of the separation easier.
If he is in Iraq, “At least he is not in Afghanistan.” OR
If he is in Afghanistan, “At least he is not in Iraq.”
Regardless of his location for the deployment, he is still
in danger and still separated from his family.
Often times, military spouses are asked questions with
obvious answers. Would you prefer if she
answers with a non-obvious answer?
“Do you miss him?”
“Are you excited he is coming home?”
“Are you scared he will die?”
On the off chance that the spouse has taken her mind off
these thoughts, you have now changed that.
Others carelessly encourage,
“But he’ll be home for
Christmas, right?”
Military personnel do not get to leave their assigned
deployment for Holidays. They are
granted only two weeks of vacation to leave and visit their family. Only a fraction of them can visit home at any
given time, including holidays.
Believe it or not, those close to military spouses will at
times grow tired of their friend’s sorrow, saying:
“You knew what you signed up for when you married a
soldier.”
“You knew that he would be deployed.”
Military spouses do not marry the military; they marry the
man or woman that they love who happens to be in the military. No one can ever describe to you what the
weight of a deployment is like or “what you are signing up for”.
At times, some people end conversations by saying,
“If you
ever need anyone to help you with something around the house, give me call,”
without leaving a phone number.
Typically, a wife is not going to reach out for help,
especially when the offer is half-hearted.
Finally, some people just do not think before they talk.
“I am glad my husband isn’t in the military, because he
could die.”
Believe it or not, people who aren’t in the military still
die.
Throughout a deployment, the spouse of a Soldier endures a
great sacrifice. A script on how to
converse with the spouse of a deployed Soldier does not exist. The right things to say are not lines stored
on a pocket-sized notebook, which can be pulled out in the necessary moment.
Upon meeting an Army Wife, you should not feel as though it is necessary to try
to relate to her. Although you may feel
it is socially necessary to comment on the Soldier’s absence, there is really
no need to do so at all.
Support, encouragement and graciousness are
appreciated. However, there is a key to
interacting with the spouse: sincerity.
Be yourself. Be
genuine. If you don’t know what to say,
silence is acceptable.
If you pray, comfort the spouse by sending your prayers to
the soldier and his family.
If you are grateful for the sacrifice, thank the husband or
wife for what they are doing for your freedom.
If you want to help, be specific in what you are willing to
offer, such as mowing the lawn. Empty
offers are typically all encompassing.
If you aren’t willing to rake leaves or bathe the dog, don’t say, “If
you ever need anything, let me know.”
Be a friend. Show the
spouse that you care about who she is, without defining her by the deployment.
In the end, it is the honesty and sincerity that means the
most.
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