I'm in Japan for 2 weeks! A great graduation vacation :) It's been really nice here, the weather is great, aside from the random rain today. The food is great, and of course, the best part is being able to hang out with my grandma. I wish everyone could meet her, we are literally twins in every way.
I don't know if its just being really far away from home, or just not knowing the safety of Nathan, but I find myself literally thinking about him every second of the day. During the day I constantly wonder what he is doing, if he's thinking of me, if he's safe. I can't help but think just terrible situations, and I try to just take my mind off of it by doing other things, but its so incredibly hard.
The dreams are the worst.
On one hand, it's great, I get to see him in my dreams and sometimes I just wish my dreams would never end. But on the other hand, it just makes me realize he is so far away, and I haven't even been able to give him a hug in 3 months. I'm not one to complain a lot about relationships. Most days, I try to tell myself being sad is not going to make this deployment go by any faster. It would probably make it feel longer than it actually is. But it really IS hard. And I am so thankful for all my friends who give me encouraging words. I understand when my friends say, "I could never do what you do." I think they mean it as a compliment, that I'm a strong person, maybe stronger than they are. But when I hear that, it just makes me think, "Well, it's not like i WANT to do this!" I would trade ANYTHING in the world right now, just to be able to hold Nathan's hand. That's all. Lately, all I do is just look through pictures, watch videos of him, read emails, but it's just not enough. I want new memories with him. & most days, I just feel like dropping to the floor, flailing my arms, and just balling my eyes out (which I probably have done and THANK GOD I have such amazing girlfriends who put up with it.) But i really do try to stay strong. Because what else can a girl do?
Praying really helps. I feel like God is trying to reassure me, to keep my sanity, but I still can't help but feel lonely. I mean, deployment or not, who the hell wants to be torn apart from their boyfriend, barely communicate, AND worry about their safety? & it's inevitable for me to feel jealous and envious of girls who have their boyfriends in such close vicinity. It's so hard though, to realize what an amazing thing you have in front of you, until it's stripped away from you. But of course, I know I should feel lucky to even have such an amazing guy.
And I think I struggle with what a lot of girls going through deployment go through, and that's the feeling of appreciation. I mean part of the whole process and the challenge is that, we can't be their #1 priority and they won't be able to put as much effort into the relationship as they could if they were here in the states (well I guess for me when I'm back home). We get it. But still, theres a little part of us that just wishes they could send that extra email, or surprise us with some flowers, or even dedicate a facebook status to us. It's that small flame that keeps the fire going. Because as cruel as it sounds, sometimes I feel like I'm the only one feeding the fire. And it's a really crappy feeling when you feel like you're the only one in the relationship. Because you yourself end up being the person that is comforting you. I mean in the end, you truly learn independence, what life is like by yourself, and being okay, with being by yourself. And that's something I am very grateful for. I've learned so much, not just in the last 3 months, but in the last 3 years. As most of you know, Nathan and I have been long distance practically our entire relationship. So we've definitely had our fair share of challenges when it comes to dealing with it. But we realized how important we are to each other and how strong our love is. And I know it, I really do, but the loneliness often times prevails over my strength, and I end up just crying. And as much as I cry ALL the time, I really really hate crying. I hate showing that I'm vulnerable and weak, but I guess that's kind of difficult when you are someone who cares a lot (some times too much) about people.
I suppose the only thing that can truly "fix" all of this, is when he comes home. *sigh* I just wish that day would come sooner. My dreams as fulfilled as they are with me and him together, are starting to feel more and more sad and depressing. I just need the real thing. I just want to feel his lips on mine, and no that the hardest part in our relationship is over and that we can fully move forward. Because I just feel like we're on pause right now. :/
Ah, sorry for the depressing post, I don't really know what I'm looking for.. answers? advice? pity? haha Well, all and all, Japan is fantastic and I will try to post some pictures very soon :)
Lots of Love and Semper Fi <3
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