THE HOME STRETCH!!

OH MY FREAKING LORD. The worst is over!!!!

I wish I could put into words how happy I am right now, but I really really don't know how to explain how I'm feeling. Ecstatic?! Over joyed? Relieved? AHHHH!! So Nathan has finally reached Leatherneck, and is finally safe!! No more dangerous patrols, no more crazy ops to no where land, and I can truly say I made it through a MARINE CORPS DEPLOYMENT!!

I know I still have a few more weeks left until he is actually home in America, but I am just SO happy he is out of harms way, that's all that matters to me. That he is SAFE, HEALTHY, and gets to finally SLEEP!

I wish there was more that I could say, but all I can say is praise God, prayers were answered, and I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPPPPYYY RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!

2 months to go!! Prepping for Homecoming!

Wow, has time flown by lately! It's already mid July! Well, I guess it's summer time finally, and the weather has been great. Except today, this weird rain thing going on...

The time has come my friends... time to start getting ready for homecoming! I can't believe 4 1/2 months have passed since I've seen Nathan. It went by pretty quick, but looking back I've missed a lot of memories with him... Birthdays, Graduation, getting a job... some days are still pretty hard. But I'm definitely looking forward to that first moment I see him, and everything in the world is going to stop (or that's how I play it out in my mind).

Good thing Nathan doesn't take the time to read these (I mean I have a hard enough time asking him to respond to my Facebook posts to not make me sound like a crazy lady!), because I thought I'd write down some things that I'm going to do in preparation for his Homecoming!!

1. Gift Basket
So Operation Help a Hero is doing this really awesome thing where they are making little gift baskets for all the Marines coming back from Nathan's unit as a welcome home present, so I thought, why not make him a personal one! So far I have (either ideas or actually finished):

- A scrapbook with all our pictures from when he came home back to California and before he left
- On one of the pages of the scrapbook I am going to glue on his 2-year 24-hour fitness pass I am going to get him!! He's going to be STOKED!
- Suggestions to restaurants we've never tried yet, and want to visit in the OC and LA area
- Coupons: For a free massage, cooking dinner together, take you shopping you know... fun things like that ;)
- Snacks: This one I'm trying to think of some good snack ideas, since Nathan and I are trying to be more health conscious, so I don't want to put in candy...

Let me know if you have any more ideas!

2. Photographer
I think having a photographer with you the day of your homecoming is FANTASTIC because they will be able to capture that MOMENT when you first see each other. I am very blessed and have a friend's boyfriend who is an amazing photographer coming along to take pictures. But if that doesn't work out, if you have an awesome friend who doesn't mind tagging a long to take pictures, that's great too! We're also going to be doing a photoshoot in his dress blues! Since Nathan's getting out soon, it might be the last time he will be wearing his uniform! And what girl doesn't love a man in uniform ;)

3. Party!
Luckily, Nathan's mom loves throwing parties, so we'll be having a huge party in his honor. I think this is a great idea because it's a way for all your Marines friends and family to be in one place and celebrate his homecoming. I'm really excited because there are a few things I want at the party:

- Photobooth: This could totally be handmade, make-shift, just a cute backdrop where people can take pictures with your Marine! Makes for a cute scrapbook too.
- Guestbook: Maybe its the Wedding Planner in me, but I think this will be a great memory for him. Everyone can sign it, saying a nice "welcome home!" or even plans on what you look forward to doing together. It's something he can keep forever.
- Kareoke/DJ: This night is going to be FUN FUN FUN! Lots of dancing, singing...maybe some drinking? haha


4. Mental/Emotional Preparation
Not sure if I'm the only crazy, paranoid Marine girlfriend out there, but as much as I CANNOT wait for Nathan's homecoming, there is a part of me that's worried about our transition. Now, I've talked to a few people about it, and they have reassured me that things wil be fine, and I think it all comes down to patience. You have to realize that they have been gone for 7 months living in a place where they're lives are in danger every single day. A lot of times, they don't necessarily come home with PTSD, but just some traumatic stress. This includes anxiety, frustration, and sometimes depression. As a loved one, your main role is to be patient. Some days, everything is going to be fine, and you'll be doing the usual normal routine. And some days, he'll just break down, not want to talk to anyone, just wanting to be alone. I think the best thing is just to be there for them when they need you. And when they want space, give them space. Things will get better, you just have to remember that they love you so incredibly much, and you already made it through the hardest part! I definitely believe Nathan and I have become so much more mature as a couple through this deployment, and I know we can get through ANYTHING. :)

late night, and I'm tired

Do you ever have one of those nights where you just have so many thoughts and emotions running through your veins? Words, phrases, sentences, just keep swimming through your mind, and it's like they're attacking you.

I miss him. I do, I miss so much about him.
I miss the fact that I can't tell him how I can't sleep right now.
I miss his laugh, I miss him being angry, I miss him being a total jack ass.
And, and there's just so much. So much I want.
I want to tell him things that matter,
I want to tell him things that don't matter.
I want to tell him how my hair was a total mess today, and I don't even care that he doesn't care.
I just, want him next to me, holding my hand, like we're in high school, like we're young, when things were so new.
It's all just wanting, and missing, and everything.
Desire, and love. I love him.
I was driving today, and just had a brief moment of conscious meets subconscious.
I just thought, no I realized,
damn, I really love this man. Like truly, truly love this man.
Like the kind of love, that when you close your eyes, tears just start pouring.
And the love that drives you crazy, the love that makes you feel a million things, and you can't describe a single one in words.
It's feeling like someone grabbed your heart, and is squeezing it SO tight, yet you know you it's pure bliss.
And that you'd do anything for this guy, anything.
Sacrifices, being pissed, being happy, being sad, being tired.
Anything.
Because you love him, and you can see every future and every past.
Because you love him so fucking much.
I stay up late, I wake up early. Hoping you'd call.
I want to not miss you so much. I hate missing you.
Why can't we just fast forward time.
Why can't you just be in my arms.
I want to want to get sick of you, but I can't.
And I may never get sick of you.
I love you that fucking much.
But right now.
I just...
miss.
you.

It's time to build a strong heart

So it's been kind of hectic trying to settle back in here in California. For the next 2 weeks I'm basically going back and forth from LA to OC, so much driving = so much gasoline = no bueno for poor Sara! But it's my last 2 weeks of my undergrad, so I have to some how live it up! Man, can't believe it's actually happening...but enough of the sappy stuff.
Today I started my 1st day at the gym! Nothing too crazy just running and some abs, I can't start too intense or my body is just going to break down. But it was good, I am really excited. Getting in shape is something I'm working on, especially before Nathan gets home! I've got about 3 months left, I think that's plenty of time to slim down! With the work out I'm starting to eat healthier! I made myself a delicious taco salad tonight for dinner.
*Sigh* So I haven't heard from Nathan (other than a Voicemail he left while I was in Japan) since about the middle of May :( At first I missed him SO incredibly much and my days were just sad and lonely. Now it's gotten to a point, where I can be okay every day, not to say I don't miss him, but it's more of an overwhelming amount of worry. I haven't NOT heard from Nathan like this since I've been with him. Even when we broke up for a little, he still incessantly emailed me, even when he didn't have my number (Crazy guy I tell ya! haha). So now all I can think of is their safety... Sometimes I forget that Nathan is in a war.  Maybe it's too much of those military movies I watch, but I can't help but imagine the worst. I just want to know he's safe, at this point, I don't care if he's not coming home for a few months, as long as I know he is safe from hard. I always pray for God's Angels to watch over him every day, and I know they are...but it's still so unnerving. I think in the last few weeks I went through emotions of anger, sadness, loneliness, bitterness, and even just empty. But after all this, I just realize how AMAZING it is to love someone this much...
I've learned so much from this love with Nathan. I think it's taught me to be an awesome girlfriend (not to sound cocky haha). But I feel like so often, people take their significant others for granted. Those stupid fights about being late to dinner or they didn't pick up the groceries, they are so completely inconsequential. I think it says something, when a girl waits for months and months, completely and utterly faithful, holding her ground back home, while she patiently waits for her boyfriend to come home. I think it's so wonderful seeing girls that go through the same thing as I do. Because you have to look at the guy, and see how incredibly blessed he is to have something SO good at home. And I would hope all the boys know that. Not many girls can do it. I've seen other girls cheat on their Marines and it's just the worst. Those girls are damn dirty. So I am very very happy to be that girl for Nathan.

"Cause God knows we're worth it."

So I'm building up my strong heart (Maybe with even a glass of Pinot Noir? :)) and I'll get through this. Thanks you again to all of you who give me such encouraging words, it really does make me feel better, even if it makes me teary eyed sometimes! haha

I found this fantastic blog site, if any of you want to check it out. 

Dear Deployment, I hate you!

All the quotes on that page make me think that someone is DEFINITELY sneaking on me! I absolutely love it! Here are a few that I find i relate to a lot:

When you wait days for a call, and then he's distant...remember the 3 hour line and 70 people in front of him and 8 failed attempts at getting his phone card to work. Remember his long hot day ,and stressful work environment. Not calling is easy, but he did it for you, even if he didn't have it in him to fake how he really feels. - DD

Sometimes everything about a deployment sucks. No advice helps. Time isn't going to heal all wounds, sometimes you have to be selfish and you feel like shit for it, but it's the way it is. Sometimes you just want to be acknowledged that you're going through a hard time too, but that never comes. Sometimes you wonder how there could possibly be any tears left. That doesnt make you weak. - DD

Remember when you're feeling unappreciated that we generally send care packages because WE want to feel more involved and not so helpless. WE want to feel like we have some control over making their deployment easier. But we also know that they generally have access to everything they want. Also keep in mind that we tend to do things for them that we would like done for us. We gather up all of their favorite things, with quotes, and notes, and songs. we write letters. remember that men and women are completely different and if you never did all of those things he would probably still love you the same, but you do it because you love him. so dont take it to heart if they dont have the reaction you would. - DD

Lots of Love and Semper Fi <3

10 things I've learned, and plan to continue

So its my last day in Japan, and I have had an amazing and relaxing time. My only regret is that I ate WAY too much, and now I basically have to cut out everything delicious when I get home. Wah. But being here has also given me time to reflect on a few things. The awesome 4 year party (college) is coming to a close end and I think we all go through this constant battle between "What the fuck am I doing with my life" and "We're still young, we've got time!". As everything is ending, I feel like everything is beginning. And then sometimes I feel like I'm just stuck in the middle in the unknown. So I thought I would list out a few things I could work on in the next new beginnings of my life, in no particular order, and hopefully this gives me peace of mind or something...

1. Don't be jealous of others, instead work on being the best you can be.
I struggle with this a lot. I'll be Facebook stalking (per usual) and I see people who are going to grad school, landed an awesome job, got engaged, traveling the world, being with their boyfriends 24/7 etc. And sometimes i can't help but just wish my life would be just like theres. And then I go into this mind whirl of "Damn, I should have done that internship..." or "I should've studied harder and gotten better grades in college..." "& that's why I've got nothing going for me...."It's a constant battle and I'm finally just SICK of this negativity. I need to not wallow in others successes, but rather learn to, from the bottom of your heart, to be happy for them (unless they are a nasty person, then they can go screw themselves). Because if you can truly be happy for another person, you will feel 1000 times better than you would if you were to just sit here and bitch about how you wish your life was like theres. However, I think the most important part of all of this is to be the best YOU you can be. Don't compare yourself to others, because you will never be satisfied. Instead, set a goal, for yourself, and concentrate on that. I've learned with even the smallest details of my life, if I learn to love myself for who I am and what God blesses me with, I can live a very very VERY happy life. As my boy Will would say,

" Throughout life people will make you mad

Disrespect you and treat you bad

Let God deal with the things they do

Cause hate in your heart will consume you too"

2. Be Active. Don't be lazy.

Sometimes I just want to lay around the house, go on Facebook, watch a movie, sleep, and basically do nothing with my life. Although, this is really awesome when you've had a long day, you can't be doing this more often than you are not (if that makes sense). And honestly, it's not that hard. I always find it that the act of GOING to the gym/getting out of the house is the hardest part, and once you are out, you realize it's a piece of cake! SO I want to try to get off my ass more often, go out, and BE ACTIVE! I also am planning on doing this fantastic Lauren Conrad Bikini Boot Camp, feel free to join me! It's going to be tough but we can all motivate each other. 

3. Kill people with kindness, because God is watching (in a good way!)

This is something that I've sort of picked up for a few years now. I first picked it up because I constantly found myself being disappointed in my friends because I felt like I did so much for them, yet I wouldn't receive the equivalent from them, and I just felt so unappreciated. I contemplated just being a mean bitchy person because what was the point? But after some deep talks with my mom and Nathan, I realized that was not the right way to live. So I've learned to just be kind, do things for the people I love with out being asked, and to not ask for anything in return. I firmly believe that if you do, even if that person you did a nice deed for doesn't do anything for you, some how that kindness/goodness will be returned back to you, in some shape or form because God is watching, and he's not going to ignore good deeds. I trust in Him. :)

4. Don't be discouraged if you start small, hard work WILL pay off. 

So I got a job, a really AWESOME job, but it's not going to be paying TONS and I probably will have to pick up a 2nd job if I want to be living on my own soon. And yeah, it's kind of a downer when I see myself as a UCLA graduate, and not have some high-paying, super human job. But as a lot of my mentors have told me, it's NOT the end of the world. And as I look at it now, it really isn't. I've been given an opportunity to grow within a company, and although I'm starting from the bottom, AT LEAST I'm starting! And I am so excited for everything I will be learning in the business. And I think our society has been raised in this environment that pleads for instant gratification, when really, nothing that you get immediately, is actually worth it. Not just with a job, but even when it comes to fitness, I know for a fact I won't be seeing results in a week. It's going to take months to even see the slightest results, but I won't give up. Because by not giving up, in the end, I will see results and that day is going to be AWESOME!!!!!

5. Appreciate what you have.

I think so often we WANT too many things. Whether its the latest and greatest Mac product, or a boyfriend, or more money, whatever it is, it's not worth beating yourself up over. Rather, take a step back from your "crazy busy" life, and look at what you already have in possession. In my case, I have parents who, as much as I complain about them, pretty much do everything for me, a boyfriend who, although is thousands of miles away, treats me like a PRINCESS (spoils me to the core), friends who I can talk to about anything, a roof over my head, a college education, a positive attitude, a dream, and best of all, I've found love in more ways and forms than most people will ever in their entire lives. Whenever I feel like complaining (which we are human, it's weirder if you don't), I just remember and appreciate that long list of happinesses I have, and it makes me feel much, much better. 

6. Be vulnerable.

The easiest way to live, is to guard yourself from any kind of painful experience, and live that okay "safe" life. But some of the best life lessons I've learned happened because I let myself be hurt. One of the biggest lessons I've learned is with relationships. Back in high school, I had a boyfriend who I believed that I was absolutely in love with. And with that, I decided that he was the most important person in my life, and I ditched all of my friends, to be with him 24/7. And guess what, he dumped me. And I remember as soon as it happened, I did not know who to lean on anymore. I had no one. And I felt a kind of loneliness that can only be learned through that experience. And after that, I vowed to never ditch my friends for a boy, because boyfriends will come and go (until you find a decent one ;)), but friends will/should be with you until the end. But, I wouldn't have understood any of this, until that one guy broke my heart. And as much as it sucked at the time, I am SO thankful for that experience because without that, I would not have realized how truly blessed I am to have the friends that I do. So let people hurt you. Let people inspire you. Let people need you. Let people love you. You will thank yourself later.

7. Admit it if you're wrong, and be willing to learn.

I've always acted like a know it all and I'm finally starting to see what a snob I sound like! And I think Nathan knows this best, but whenever I would say something distasteful or state the facts wrong, I would NEVER admit it. I'd just make up an excuse or just say, "whatever." Well guess what, it just makes you sound like a total BETCH. So when I'm wrong, I will admit it, even if it makes me feel so stupid. But instead of just feeling dumb, I want to be able to learn from my mistakes. Because even if you made that one mistake, at least you learned one thing new :)

8. Don't hate the ignorant, instead have the courage to teach them.

In college, I've heard some people make some of the most ignorant comments. There are so many social topics that in my mind, are super obvious, but to others, they have no idea. Things like, "You're asian, you should know." or "Internment wasn't that bad, it was a necessary evil." or people who use the word "Jap. and one that I've recently stopped using, "that's so gay." I could name a whole list of others, but you get the point. Instead of clenching your fist and puffing steam out of your ears, look at these people as students who need to be educated. These people may have said some cruel things, but at the same time, you have no idea where they came from. Maybe they were never given the opportunity to learn. Maybe they have a story to tell as well. So don't judge, but instead, have the courage to tell them another way to see the picture. You never know, maybe you'll change their mind about things. But as a disclaimer of sorts, not EVERYONE is willing to change. A lot of people will stay very stubborn about  how they feel and that's when you just have to realize, "different strokes for different folks". 

9. Take lots of pictures (and videos)

This one kind of seems silly, but I think years from now, I am going to be so happy looking at the 100's of pictures I have with all of my friends and family because it's how we'll remember things. But recently, I've realized, more than pictures, I LOVE watching videos (especially of me and Nathan) because we can see expressions, and verbal exchanges, and just us being us. Even if Nathan hates it, I will always have a video camera with me wherever we go!

10. Your life is going to change, revel in it. 

Looking back in just the last 4 years of my life, there are SO many things that have changed. The things I expected to happen took a 180 degree turn. But at the same time, some of the most unexpected blessings have showed themselves into my life. One of the greatest quotes an amazing mother once told me was, "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." And I've realized this statement couldn't be truer. Expectations are bound to change, but that's okay. Actually, it's better than okay, it makes life exciting. Friends will come, and friends will also go. So often I've had people in my life, who at the time, I thought were my BEST friends even future brides maids, but then a few months go by, and friendships dissolve, and then you realize you have no idea what they are even doing with their lives & that's OKAY. Because at our age, that's what happens. But in the end, the good ones will stay, and that's when you know who your true friends are. God has a plan for you, a pretty gosh darn good one, but you can't map it out, you just have to trust that He'll show you the right way. Life is full of walls and sharp turns. You'll be heading towards success and Bam you hit a wall. The key is to get right back up and take that left or right turn. And sooner or later, you'll look back at all your curvy path and thank God you never gave up. 

So these are just a few things that I've thought of for myself, they may work for some others, may not. But these are some of the most important life lessons that I know I will carry on for the rest of my life. And maybe its the fear of the unknown that's making me write this essay of sorts, but who cares. It's something that will motivate me, and that's what I need most. 

So so so much love and Semper Fi <3

Dear deployment

Dear Deployment,

Go fuck yourself.
Hard.

Love,
Sara

P.S.
I hate you.

Military movies galore!

Just finished watching 2 military movies. The Lucky One & Act of Valor. Needless to say, my heart feels heavy. But in a way, these movies are very therapeutic. It makes me feel more connected to Nathan, even though we are so far apart. It's the weirdest feeling not knowing what he is doing. All I can go off of is faith, and some days its the hardest thing to do.
At the end of the movie Act of Valor, they had a poem by Tecumseh which I thought was very moving and I thought I'd share.

Live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. 
Trouble no one about his religion. 
Respect others in their views and demand that they respect yours. 
Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. 
Seek to make your life long and of service to your people. 
Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide. 
Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, 
or even a stranger, if in a lonely place. 
Show respect to all people, but grovel to none. 
When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, 
for your life, for your strength. 
Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. 
If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself. 
Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools 
and robs the spirit of its vision. 
When your time comes to die, 
be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, 
so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time 
to live their lives over again in a different way. 
Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.
—  Tecumseh, Shawnee Chief

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